I hate writer’s block. So here’s something from a few years back that I just dug up.
Why do airlines show such lame movies? Over and over… Lake Placid? Seriously?
JEFF BRIDGES My God, there's a crocodile-shaped computer animation in that lake! BILL PULLMAN EEEK! I just stepped on something that's so gross they'll have to edit it out for the airline audience. BETTY WHITE Poor dear, it only ate a bear yesterday, it must be hungry. I'll have to feed it its daily cow. Good thing nobody ever notices me doing that. And thank God for those Golden Girls residuals. Do you have any idea how much these things cost? She leads the REAL COW to the water and slaps its rump. Close-up shot of a REAL CROCODILE looking menacing. Cut to long shot of a MUCH LARGER REALLY FAKEY LOOKING MECHANICAL CROCODILE lunging clumsily toward an obviously FAKE COW. It drags the cow back into the water. LOWELL GEORGE Wait, aren't I dead? I know, I'll fly a helicopter over the lake. Audiences love helicopters. Cut to helicopter in lake. LOWELL GEORGE Oh no, my flying machine has crashed into the lake with the crocodile. It's a good thing they cut that out for the airline audience. Some of them could be frightened by the sight of such a flimsy plot device. Hey where's the croc? BILL PULLMAN I don't know! Quick, jump in the water. LOWELL GEORGE jumps into the water, then BILL PULLMAN jumps into the water. Mayhem ensues. Eventually we see the AMAZING VARIABLE-SIZE crocodile inside the helicopter. LOWELL GEORGE Look, it's trapped. Wasn't that clever? PASSENGERS YAAAAY, now we can watch October Sky for the 27th time! JULIA ROBERTS Not until you've watched Notting Hill at least twice more.
Yes it’s totally out of date, but I assure you it was hilarious back in ’99 when I wrote it.